Lots of Thoughts

Yesterday when I got home from work, I straightened up the house and Bubba needed his cat pans cleaned. So as I was holding my breath and scooping away, I thought Man I really hate cleaning the damn cat box. My second thought, almost immediately, was Well if J’s pregnant, I better get used to it… And then I thought I’ll take 9 months of cat-pan duty to have a baby on the way!! I went about the rest of my afternoon and emailed J to see if she wanted to pick up something for dinner tonight, my back has been hurting and I really just didn’t want to cook anything. Her reply: Yes please 😥 Worst day ever…BTW period!

As I absorbed that tidbit, I wanted to cry. I wanted to throw something. But I just didn’t do anything. I feel powerless as usual to control this crazy roller coaster we are on and it came to a crashing halt this afternoon. This long and drawn-out, dreaded 2ww was finally over. Of course I am sad. Of course I feel discouraged. Of course I feel fill-in-the-blank…but I knew someone else would be very upset and I gathered my resolve so I could be there for her.

At 5:30, when J got home, she and I just laid on the bed and talked about our day. We talked about how crappy her work situation has been lately. And about how we felt about the no…angry, frustrated, sad, discouraged, worried, anxious. We talked about how toward the end of the 2ww we thought it might be a no, but how we really had just hoped it was a yes so we wouldn’t have to do this again. How lucky would we be to have gotten pregnant this time? Although we’ve been at this before, it still felt like the first time and it felt just as bad as the very first time we got a no and the great let-down that that was. It still hurts. Its still frustrating and annoying as hell. J feels like its her fault, like she did something wrong. I assured her she did everything she was supposed to. I know she’s just frustrated that it hasn’t worked yet, and of course, worried about the money it costs for us to try again and the rigamarole she has to put herself through leading up to IUI #2. And then another 2ww. She is putting her body through so much to try to start our family, and I just wish there were something I could do, some magic that would guarantee it works next time.

So many thoughts run through our minds at these times…Why do so many other women get pregnant so easily and/or quickly? What about all these women on welfare who don’t need more children? What about all these unhealthy women or women doing drugs and drinking and smoking? What about everyone else who doesn’t deserve it…at least that’s how we feel. I just don’t think we are bad people. I don’t think we deserve to have a difficult time getting pregnant. We feel that its just not fair, and that’s really all it boils down to. We just feel slighted in some way, like we’re not good enough or that we are being punished and stupid and throwing our money away on a hopeless endeavor.

Another thing we worried about is that now that the blog has gone public, we didn’t want to let any of you down either. We didn’t want to have to share the disappointment with you after knowing how hopeful and excited you have been over this past month. In a way, we felt exposed. We felt naked and on display. We weren’t used to dealing with the collective and we wanted our moment to grieve and despair and feel sad and angry and I think we feared we’d be judged for that, that we’d have to put on a happy face and be bombarded with blind optimism that It’ll work next time for sure! Honestly though, we do know that you have our best interest in mind and heart and we do appreciate all of the love and support you have given and continue to give. The first three times we tried we only had our close family in the loop and have still felt so alone on this journey. Now that we have included all of you, we feel a little more secure, a little more connected, and not nearly as alone as before, and for that we thank you!

It is easy to get discouraged, yet we know this process is not hopeless.Rather, we choose to believe it is not hopeless. After our initial freak-out, we calm down. We collect our thoughts, and brace ourselves for the next couple of weeks (hopefully) leading up to the next IUI. We laugh about it, saying with all the signs we’ve gotten lately, we weren’t supposed to be pregnant this month anyway, that next month is our month so we can have a Capricorn. Besides, we don’t want to celebrate Christmas anyway, so we’ll celebrate the kid’s birthday instead. That one definitely gives us a good laugh. 🙂 We tell our moms, we move on…but later that night, J’s period is nowhere to be found.

Fast forward to today, Friday. Ahhh Friday we’ve been waiting for you for so long! Due to her pretty much non-existent period and my mom’s advice, J got up early today to go in for the blood pregnancy test at Quest anyway. Just to get the official “no”. She called the doctor’s office and let them know that she had in fact started “spotting” the night before, but did the blood test anyway this morning just to be sure. They said it should only be a few hours for the results, they’d call her back, but most likely its a no because she started bleeding. Meanwhile, she set up her next appointment for this upcoming Tuesday 3/20 for her ultrasound. They will be checking to make sure she didn’t develop any cysts on her ovaries during this last cycle before they start her on Clomid (cysts are one of the side effects of taking Clomid, and if there are any cysts, we have to sit this cycle out and not do the IUI so we can wait for it/them to go away). If she’s all clear, she’ll start taking the Clomid Tuesday night.

It is now 3:30 this afternoon and J calls me on my way home from work. You won’t believe it, the doctor’s office closed at 3:30 and they never called me back! I left them two messages! WHAT. THE. FUCK. Needless to say, she was a little upset! Of course, at this point we have been assured it is most likely a no, blah blah blah, but what about her non-period that’s happening right now? Being the one that tries to see the best in a situation, I offer Maybe they didn’t get the results back before they closed? to which we both agreed Well they could have at least called and said as much. We pay enough money to NOT be left hanging like this! Its not the nicest thing to make a woman that’s teetering on the edge manic over the damn test. We just want the FINAL answer so we can moooooove on already and get some closure!

Sigh…so although we have been told its probably a no, there is still a tiny part of us both that wants to hold on to that last little sliver of hope we have. We still want to believe that maybe its just late implantation bleeding. Maybe it was from the hormones she’s been taking. Maybe, maybe, maybe…it seems like we literally just spent two weeks playing this maybe game. Really, in the home stretch, they had to keep us holding on to our maybes just a little bit longer? This seems like cruel and unusual punishment and since its almost 5:00 now and I haven’t heard if anyone responded to her last message at 3:30…I’m thinking we are just going to plan for her period to start in full-force soon and we’ll get the official no on Monday. Of course, she can always POAS (pee on a stick) over the weekend if AF is still M.I.A., but I’m pretty sure she’ll be calling their office the minute they open on Monday. You’d just think they’d be a little more cooperative.

So in the meantime, at least we have something fun to do to keep our minds occupied. We are going to Orlando to meet up with J’s friends from high school this weekend. Since we will be right there, they said we should to go to Ripley’s Believe It or Not! to see these fertility statues that everyone keeps swearing by and pray for some baby luck! Right now I think we are due for a fun girls’ weekend and a little bit of baby luck on the side definitely wouldn’t hurt. So we are going to go to Ripley’s Believe It Or Not to rub on some statues! I hope that awkward statement there made you smile, because I did! 😉

Therefore, until further notice, the countdown has been reset and as soon as we know anything we will be certain to let you know…yes, no, maybe or otherwise. Thank you for being there for us, in the excitement and the disappointments.



1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. One Hopefully Preggo Lesbo
    Mar 20, 2012 @ 17:57:42

    You sound a lot like my partner…..I want her to read your blog!! Good luck with your ultrasound!


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