Happy Thoughts

Today I’m spending the day lying in bed due to the herniated disc in my back deciding to flare up and give me grief. Thanks for that! I am bored beyond belief and the muscle relaxers are making me foggy in the brain but not really helping my back. I’ve been watching HGTV since 7 this morning and while I thoroughly enjoy watching all the home renovations, it just makes me really want a house of our own. That’s okay, because THAT journey is at least another year out and for now, just worrying and wondering about baby stuff has us plenty busy.

Memorial Day weekend was nice; we drove up to Ocala to visit J’s cousin and her family and while it was just a short little day trip it is always refreshing to see her. She made J pee on a stick this weekend but of course it is too early to know either yes or no and it came out as a negative. Of course, this also means that the HCG trigger shot is out of J’s system. The Clomid and HCG shot really affected J this time and threw her body for a loop. She was cranky, overly tired, nauseated, really bloated, having hot flashes, and cramping…not to mention that although the HCG shot is out of her system now she’s still having all these problems and then some. We are trying so hard not to think about our maybe-baby(ies) but it is really difficult. I am eternally the optimist and J’s been doing really well being optimistic too…until the negative test this weekend.

Logically we both know that it was way too early for the result to be conclusive, but it always puts her in a bad way and negative mindset. One thing that was really nice about visiting J’s cousin is that she is really good about lifting you up. She has been reading a book lately about the power of positive thinking and visualization and bringing good things into your life, and she basically told J to stop being so negative and start thinking some positive thoughts so she can draw some positive energy toward us for a change. On our drive home J and I had a good long talk about the logical and emotional side of all of this pregnancy stuff. I’ve told her about some of the blogs I’ve read of others going through the same things as we are. It helps to know you’re not alone in this journey and it always helps to know that there are others feeling the same feelings you are.

I’m not trying to invalidate negative thoughts and getting down about how long this whole process takes. It is a really hard road to travel and it is way easy to get discouraged and think it will never happen. There is a time for that. But while there is definitely a time for being sad and anxious and worrying/wondering if/when pregnancy is going to happen, overall it doesn’t help anything to be continuously negative. Our doctor has given us no indications that there is a problem and of all our attempts (both at home and at the doctor’s office) this was the most perfectly synchronized and well-paced attempt to date. Everything just seemed to align and flow smoothly and we both feel confident that even if we aren’t pregnant this time, it will happen. Being negative only makes the two week wait that much longer and more obnoxious, so if we can put on our happy pants for a little longer I’m sure it will help it go by that much quicker.

Another thing that happened to give us peace is that we finally agreed on a middle name for our girl name. We had the idea and kept hmming and hawing over it until finally we decided on a name that made us all happy. That definitely helps us with our positive visualization. We also took a baby picture of our donor and of J and used a program online that “predicts” what your kids would look like. While just a silly little thing, it still made us smile and gave us a face to go with our names. I keep putting my face near her belly and yelling “Hello in there!” and “Burrow babies burrow!” And on our way home from Ocala, we saw the most beautiful rainbow. It was barely there for a minute or two and once we rounded a corner in the road it disappeared. J said it looked and felt like it was made just for us. Now before you go laughing and saying “haha, a rainbow for the lesbians!” I just have to say that God gave the rainbow as a promise. I know it was under different circumstances and I’ll accept that, but I agree with her that it just felt like God was trying to tell us something. I know that we will have a child (or children) soon and whether or not it is this month or the next or the next…we’ll keep holding onto that promise.

So until we know yes/no for certain, we’ll just keep carrying on as usual. I saw on a website the other day that they call this time “pregnant until proven otherwise”. I like the sound of that, and it sounds a little more positive than just “yeah we’re waiting to see if its a no”. So while we are “pregnant until proven otherwise”, we’ll keep thinking happy thoughts, visualize positively, and deal with the night sweats, hot flashes, nausea, cramps, bloating, headaches, hives, and 8:30 bedtimes (her, not me!) for just a little while longer (or the next 9 months)…

I’m okay with 9 months!

-B

Maybe Baby(ies)

So here we are about a week-ish later and J is lying by my feet on the bed with Bubba (our handsome grey and white Manx cat) snoring beside her. We went out to dinner and now she’s so tired she can’t keep her eyes open. These fertility medications definitely put her through the ringer this time.

As you know we went to the doctor last week and found out the cyst was gone and everything looked great. Fast forward through 5 days of Clomid-induced loss of appetite, insomnia, and irritability and she went to her second appointment/ultrasound on Thursday the 17th. That brought the good news that she took REALLY well to the medication this cycle and had two beautiful golf-ball-sized follicles ready to go, one on each ovary. This is great news, considering our fertility doctor won’t inseminate with more than 4 follicles and we really just don’t want to go the lesbians-making-babies TLC/Lifetime movie route. Thanks, but I’m not cut out for show business! 😉

So the doctor slated us for doing the HCG trigger shot (pregnancy hormone injection which induces ovulation within 36 hours after taking it) at home at 9 pm that night and then coming in on Saturday the 19th at 9 am for the insemination.

Saturday? What? Yep, our doctor has Saturday hours for cases like this… Cool!

Now, let me tell you a story. It may not be as funny to you all reading this as it is to me but J was FREAKING out that I had to give her a shot. Let alone, in her stomach, near her belly button. She has an unnatural aversion to belly buttons and plain and simple, they just gross her out enough for her to throw up. LOL I love my wife. So I have to give her a shot, which thankfully I’m experienced with since I have a sister that has required Insulin injections since she was 6 years old. J meanwhile, is a little disturbed. As she laid down on the bed so I could wipe the injection site with the alcohol wipe she is basically laugh-crying with nervousness. I used a trick my sister learned of numbing the area with ice beforehand, and that put her a little more at ease. I also warmed the injection a little by rolling the syringe around in my hands for a minute. Ready, set, go…I’m counting down “3…2…1…” and she tenses up beside me! Of course I flipped out as the needle is an inch from her skin and jerk away. I thought she was going to kick me as I went to stick her! I didn’t want to hurt her! So we tried again, pillow pulled up over her face as she’s continuing to laugh-cry and “3…2…1…” and its in. She said I was a little slow sticking her and pushing the plunger in, but hey! What can I say, I was worried and it could have been a LOT worse. Regardless, injection at home was a success but she is really hoping we don’t have to do this again…like ever…but I’m sure that’s for more reasons than just the shot. 🙂

So fast-forward again to today and we had our insemination at 9 am. The office actually had a few other people in there for various reasons but we were called back right away and set up in the room. The doctor came in shortly after and informed us that our sperm sample was excellent, 30 million and 98% motility, which are EXCELLENT numbers! J was really nervous again since it was so painful last time, but I was able to stand up by her head and hold her hand the whole time (good practice for labor and delivery!). The doctor had to switch out the equipment for her comfort and his ease (apparently she has a “kinky” cervix that would not allow the catheter to go in), it was over sooner and much less painful than last time. YAY!

We went out to breakfast afterwards at Mimi’s and just lazed about the house today since she is cramping and feeling generally icky from the invasion as well as the hormone shot. The medications really affected her this time, but the doctor said that means she just took really well to them. We keep saying that maybe we will have twins, after all, there were two follicles ready to go, and she has had cramping in both ovaries today. While we keep laughing that maybe there will be twins in our future (which we would LOVE!), we are trying not to overthink anything and honestly we feel a lot more relaxed about everything in our lives right now, including the pregnancy journey. I think we finally both realized that we’ve got to stop stressing out about the things we have no control over. Can we control whether or not we get pregnant this time/next time/any time? No, so do what we can to take care of ourselves and be patient. In the meantime, we’re focusing on working toward some goals we’ve set for ourselves and just enjoying being together.

I am so happy and blessed with our wonderful life, and I hope that we can add a baby (or babies!) to our little family sooner rather than later. So here we are, waiting again, and we’re OK with that. At least we are making progress instead of having to sit out for another cycle. We are going to get massages next weekend and then J goes in a couple of weeks for the blood pregnancy test, and until then we are just going to sit back, relax, and (try to) be patient. Wish us luck with that last one!

See you in a couple of weeks…

B

We Are A GO!

Just a quick little update to let you all know that WE ARE A GO for this cycle! J went to the doctor this morning and the cyst is gone and she’s got plenty of follicles ready.

We are so relieved, excited, and thankful that we get to start trying again! Thank you all for your continued support and all the good vibes you’ve been sending our way!

-B

Fingers Crossed

Well so far this week at work sucks. For both of us! We are so busy we can’t think straight and at my work, we’re beginning a new type of file, no one really knows what to do with them, and boy is it a pain in the butt. I’m burned out and its only Tuesday! I have renamed today…Poo-day. Because that’s all its giving me! LOL

But in other news, tomorrow J goes back to the doctor for her ultrasound to see if the cyst on her right ovary is gone. We are both hoping YES of course! C’mon fertility statues, work your magic! 🙂

We are just tired of waiting and excited at the possible opportunity to start trying again. This forced wait has cleared our heads for sure, but its just made us want a baby that much more. After all, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a BABY! Yeah!

We could both use some happy news this week after all the hell its been putting us both through at work…so keep those fingers crossed!!

Wife and Wife

Let me start off with an apology for our three-week hiatus from the blog! Man oh man have we been busy, preparing for our trip and dealing with finishing up the Spring semester at school. Now that we have finally caught a break and have a moment to breathe, I can finally share all of the wonderful things that have been on my mind, waiting for me to have a chance to write them down!

As you may remember, our last visit to the fertility doctor did not go as well as we would have hoped. J still had the cyst on her right ovary and we are (not so) patiently waiting for the start of her May cycle to see if it has completely gone away yet so that we can start trying again. We’ll more than likely know either way in the next week or so, and we are both hoping for some good news this time! Now that our schedule has cleared up some with the trip for our wedding being over and school finally coming to an end for the semester, I feel like we are both prepared and ready to focus on the baby-making journey with full investment once again. Plus, it just feels right knowing that now that we are married, we’re doing things in the order we have always wanted to.

That’s not to say that we don’t still get frustrated or feel down about our whole hiatus. Its been two months now and it seems like an eternity! J keeps getting upset that we have to pay our $200 copay just to go get the ultrasound to find out that it’s a no-go each cycle, but I keep reminding her that at least its not $900 to just go ahead with it all and have a close-to-zero chance of it even working. I’d rather spend the $200 than the $900 any day. And when I get frustrated that it hasn’t happened yet, she just reminds me that we’ve only had one try at the doctor’s office so far…technically due to her not ovulating, the first three tries at home really just shouldn’t count. So then I make her feel better about the money, and she makes me feel better about the time. We are in the same boat, just at different ends it seems. But at least we have each other.

So…we are still waiting and I’ll be sure to update the blog once we find out if we are a go or no-go again as soon as we know. I know that you all haven’t forgotten about us and I assure you we have been thinking of all of our readers and wanting to fill you in (we just haven’t had the time!).

Now onto the news I’m sure you are all wanting to hear, THE WEDDING!

Let me start off by saying that this was the most amazing vacation and time of my life! It is our first “big” vacation, meaning that while we’ve taken a road trip before from Sunny Florida to Hot-As-Hell Atlanta, this was our first trip utilizing the services of aircraft. Now, not to sound like a paid endorsement, but JetBlue was phenomenal. If we can help it, we will never fly another airline again! The experience and service were just exemplary, and it was only the beginning of a wonderful weekend.

We flew into DC the Thursday before our wedding on a night flight. While the flight was perfect and without a hitch, the ride from the airport to the hotel in the shuttle was…less than normal. Every stoplight we hit, the shuttle would die. Literally! Right there in the middle of the road. Good thing it was nighttime or we could have had some serious trouble. Not only that, but we met a cousin of the (now) Ambassador to Panama sitting in front of us on the shuttle and she was super nice! She was in town for her cousin’s inauguration…you never know who you’re going to meet on your travels 🙂

Once we got to the hotel, we were surprised! Not only was it GORGEOUS but J’s mom had so graciously called the hotel ahead of time and set up a beautiful snack tray with healthy snacks and fruit and cheese along with sparkling apple cider (since we don’t drink) in our room for us which was WONDERFUL. After the flight we were definitely hungry and it hit the spot!

The next morning we ordered room service for breakfast so we wouldn’t have to go try to find food on the morning of our big day. It arrived and was most excellent! See!

After breakfast we got dressed, primped, and beautified for our special event. We color coordinated so that we would match without being identical twins (geez we hear that comment enough as it is!) and set out to Tiffany’s office (she is the wonderful lady who filed our marriage application for us and also performed our ceremony in her lovely office). She was more than kind and for a change, we felt genuinely accepted for who we were and the fact that we were just two girls madly in love. Our ceremony was beautiful and we read our personal vows together. Of course we videotaped the entire thing to show our families and despite the garbage truck coming toward the end of our ceremony, it was perfect. I couldn’t have been happier with how everything turned out, and it was a fantastic beginning to our day. 🙂

After the ceremony we took a cab back to the hotel and had a mini photo shoot in the garden across the street. The sun was shining but the wind was freezing! We finally moved inside and took more pictures, making sure to get plenty of great shots to remember the day.

The rest of the day was spent having lunch at the Hard Rock and visiting the National Mall so that we could see all of the monuments and especially so that J could see the Lincoln Memorial. Last time she had visited DC in middle school she hadn’t had the chance to see him and he is her favorite President. So this time we made sure to visit him and it was great. See how happy she is? I love this woman!

We didn’t do much on our wedding day, but we just spent quality time together and had a blast doing the little things. We ended up being so tired from walking around all day that we ordered room service again that night for dinner and it was equally as amazing as breakfast. Unfortunately we were both so famished that we dug right in and didn’t take a picture! Trust us, our filet mignon was top notch and well worth it!

When Saturday came along we were both so sad to leave DC. I was so glad that the weather was beautiful for us on our trip and that we had such a great time. It was the perfect beginning to our lives together as wife and wife!

So, there you have it, the synopsis of our wedding weekend…I hope you enjoyed it as much as we enjoyed sharing our special day with all of you. As always, we are so grateful for all of your love and support and now with our wedding bands and marriage certificate in hand, I feel like we are more united, more solid, and more secure in not only our relationship but every aspect of our lives. I only hope to add the excitement of planning for a new addition to our family to our plate soon! But for now, I’m just happy living life and waiting to see what comes next, knowing that my beautiful wife is standing by my side, for better or worse. 🙂

Love,

-Mrs. & Mrs. B & J