Happy Thoughts

Today I’m spending the day lying in bed due to the herniated disc in my back deciding to flare up and give me grief. Thanks for that! I am bored beyond belief and the muscle relaxers are making me foggy in the brain but not really helping my back. I’ve been watching HGTV since 7 this morning and while I thoroughly enjoy watching all the home renovations, it just makes me really want a house of our own. That’s okay, because THAT journey is at least another year out and for now, just worrying and wondering about baby stuff has us plenty busy.

Memorial Day weekend was nice; we drove up to Ocala to visit J’s cousin and her family and while it was just a short little day trip it is always refreshing to see her. She made J pee on a stick this weekend but of course it is too early to know either yes or no and it came out as a negative. Of course, this also means that the HCG trigger shot is out of J’s system. The Clomid and HCG shot really affected J this time and threw her body for a loop. She was cranky, overly tired, nauseated, really bloated, having hot flashes, and cramping…not to mention that although the HCG shot is out of her system now she’s still having all these problems and then some. We are trying so hard not to think about our maybe-baby(ies) but it is really difficult. I am eternally the optimist and J’s been doing really well being optimistic too…until the negative test this weekend.

Logically we both know that it was way too early for the result to be conclusive, but it always puts her in a bad way and negative mindset. One thing that was really nice about visiting J’s cousin is that she is really good about lifting you up. She has been reading a book lately about the power of positive thinking and visualization and bringing good things into your life, and she basically told J to stop being so negative and start thinking some positive thoughts so she can draw some positive energy toward us for a change. On our drive home J and I had a good long talk about the logical and emotional side of all of this pregnancy stuff. I’ve told her about some of the blogs I’ve read of others going through the same things as we are. It helps to know you’re not alone in this journey and it always helps to know that there are others feeling the same feelings you are.

I’m not trying to invalidate negative thoughts and getting down about how long this whole process takes. It is a really hard road to travel and it is way easy to get discouraged and think it will never happen. There is a time for that. But while there is definitely a time for being sad and anxious and worrying/wondering if/when pregnancy is going to happen, overall it doesn’t help anything to be continuously negative. Our doctor has given us no indications that there is a problem and of all our attempts (both at home and at the doctor’s office) this was the most perfectly synchronized and well-paced attempt to date. Everything just seemed to align and flow smoothly and we both feel confident that even if we aren’t pregnant this time, it will happen. Being negative only makes the two week wait that much longer and more obnoxious, so if we can put on our happy pants for a little longer I’m sure it will help it go by that much quicker.

Another thing that happened to give us peace is that we finally agreed on a middle name for our girl name. We had the idea and kept hmming and hawing over it until finally we decided on a name that made us all happy. That definitely helps us with our positive visualization. We also took a baby picture of our donor and of J and used a program online that “predicts” what your kids would look like. While just a silly little thing, it still made us smile and gave us a face to go with our names. I keep putting my face near her belly and yelling “Hello in there!” and “Burrow babies burrow!” And on our way home from Ocala, we saw the most beautiful rainbow. It was barely there for a minute or two and once we rounded a corner in the road it disappeared. J said it looked and felt like it was made just for us. Now before you go laughing and saying “haha, a rainbow for the lesbians!” I just have to say that God gave the rainbow as a promise. I know it was under different circumstances and I’ll accept that, but I agree with her that it just felt like God was trying to tell us something. I know that we will have a child (or children) soon and whether or not it is this month or the next or the next…we’ll keep holding onto that promise.

So until we know yes/no for certain, we’ll just keep carrying on as usual. I saw on a website the other day that they call this time “pregnant until proven otherwise”. I like the sound of that, and it sounds a little more positive than just “yeah we’re waiting to see if its a no”. So while we are “pregnant until proven otherwise”, we’ll keep thinking happy thoughts, visualize positively, and deal with the night sweats, hot flashes, nausea, cramps, bloating, headaches, hives, and 8:30 bedtimes (her, not me!) for just a little while longer (or the next 9 months)…

I’m okay with 9 months!

-B

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