Motherhood: The Big, Fat F*** You

*title courtesy of ScaryMommy.com, Lisa Morguess

A friend of mine shared this perfectly titled post on her Facebook and it so perfectly captured some of the feelings that we have been having recently, and we only have a one year old! Jaxson is a very sweet, smart, and good boy, but lately he’s been quite the terror and really pushing our buttons – every single one of them. It’s so easy to get frustrated and feel like everything you do revolves around the baby and what he needs and when he needs it, and you start to forget your own needs. Day-to-day life can be a struggle sometimes, even just finding time to go pee or have a bite to eat. These are the things they don’t warn you about when you’re thinking of getting pregnant. Sure, they warn you that there are sleepless nights and you hear whispers of teething trouble and rumors of toddler terror, but there is no way you could possibly understand until you are living life with a baby. And the worst part is that you feel like a horrible parent if you discipline your child or get frustrated at them throwing a tantrum to the point where you throw your own tantrum right along with them.

Being a mom is so hard, and I don’t get the half of it. I get to leave for work every day and only see Jaxson for 4 hours each evening. The weekends are spent together, but we are usually out and about and busy as hell running all over the place doing the things we don’ t have time to do during the week. My amazing wife is a stay-at-home mom plus works a part-time job that is beginning to demand full-time hours based on workload, and its hard. It’s hard for her to listen to him screaming all morning, afternoon, and evening while she’s trying to review contracts. It’s hard for her to try to feed him and getting shut-down at every bite of food she offers him. It’s hard for her to try to run the house and keep up with the housework, take care of Jaxson, deal with work and all the crap that comes with that. Most days she doesn’t even have time to shower until I get home at 5, and to top it all off, she hasn’t been able to sleep at night for quite some time. Insomnia, stress, whatever – it sucks.

We were talking the other night about how everyone tells us we should feel lucky because Jaxson is so good. How he always behaves and never screams, how he is always in a good mood and smiling. How we are overreacting and exaggerating when we say he throws fits and gets angry and hits us. There’s no possible way that Jaxson could be doing these things, surely we are mistaken! It gets old really fast, hearing this and with or without realizing it, they are degrading us as parents, causing us to feel guilty and doubt our abilities to successfully raise a child, and casting a shadow of insecurity over us that maybe we just aren’t cut out for this and what did we do by having a child?? And I said that outsiders don’t get it because its so easy for them to deal with him for one day, but the every day is the part that sucks. Don’t tell us he doesn’t throw tantrums, don’t tell us not to fuss at him for reaching for the electric plug for the 5th time in the last 10 minutes, don’t tell us he never yells or screams while J is trying to do her work, don’t tell us that we shouldn’t get mad at him for XYZ, don’t tell us that he is a perfect angel and we should stop complaining because he’s a good boy and not everyone is that lucky. Just, don’t. Don’t tell us how to feel about parenthood in the here and now, don’t tell us how to raise our child, don’t tell us anything. Just be there, be supportive, be a listener, and keep your advice and opinions to yourself until asked (if asked at all!).

If only. So when this mom wrote about how frustrated she got, it hit home for me. I have felt like that on so many occasions, losing my temper, yelling and crying and feeling exasperated and questioning why we ever decided to have kids in the first place. And at the same time, loving him so much that the thought of being away from him all day still kills me, even though I know what I’d be dealing with at home were I there with him all day instead. And my poor wife, stuck at home 24/7 with no relief from the roller coaster that is life with a one year old, until I get home at 5. And even then, its not like I can put him on mute when he’s throwing a tantrum for me so that she doesn’t have to hear it.

Lately our lives have been rough and we’re tired, so so tired, compounded by the fact that he isn’t sleeping through the night regularly and one or both of us have to get up with him in the night. We keep saying that this too shall pass, but we can’t help but feel that once it does, it will just bring another “issue” our way. Parenthood sucks. One day its all worth it though, right? It’s hard to keep a positive outlook and keep our chins up and march on without some glimmer of hope on the horizon, regardless of how far-off that glimmer may be. I know that we are lucky to have a child at all, as infertility is a very real topic and struggle for so many people, in our daily lives as well as among my fellow bloggers. I don’t want to sound ungrateful that we have him, and I can’t imagine life without him. I do love him, more than I ever thought possible, but I am glad that we’ve decided to postpone trying for our next child, ’cause I don’t think we’re ready to start doing this all over again just yet. 🙂

Similarly related though, is this post, to capture our feelings of guilt and angst, worry and woe over losing our patience and getting frustrated and angry. With promises of doing better tomorrow and trying again to be the Moms we want to be, the Moms Jaxson deserves, who are patient, caring, understanding. We’ll get there one day. Soon, I hope.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lindsay
    Apr 04, 2014 @ 13:15:26

    Oh gosh…parenting is HANDS DOWN the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I often wonder why no one talks about it. Just how VERY hard it is. It makes me feel like a big, fat failure when I feel frustrated and just want to run away for a little while. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone in my struggles.

    Reply

    • B
      Apr 04, 2014 @ 13:39:26

      You are most definitely NOT alone! I couldn’t imagine being a single parent and dealing with all the “fun” that comes along with children, so I am extremely grateful that my wife and I can share the burden at least!

      Reply

  2. TabiToes
    Apr 08, 2014 @ 18:32:42

    It’s been quite a while since I’ve read your blog. I don’t know why I thought to read it tonight, but I am so glad I did. I am in the same boat. Constantly questioning my ability as a parent. It’s hard enough to earn a living right now, much less deal with the daily struggles of being a parent. I am so sorry you are having a rough time, but equally relieved to find out I am not alone in feeling this way!! I love you and I miss you and I know without a doubt in my heart that you two are the best moms Jax could ever have. Kids are amazing and wonderful and horrible and stressful all at the same time. Thank you for sharing the truth. As the other commenter said, It doesn’t make sense why everyone talks about how wonderful kids are, but rarely do we admit our struggles!! I love you all. Chin up Beautiful B.

    Reply

    • B
      Apr 08, 2014 @ 21:33:22

      Thank you so much! It is such a relief to know we are not alone and definitely not insane for feeling this way. Here’s to better days full of more smiles than tears.

      Reply

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