Tick, Tick, Tick

Everywhere I turn lately, there are babies. Babies just born, babies still in bellies, baby-making. In real life, on TV, in the news. Perhaps they should check the water supply…

It seems that this is just how it goes. There always seem to be cycles of pregnancies/babies around the same time. Kind of like when you get a new car, suddenly that’s all you see on the road. All I see now, are BABIES. And I’m a little sad.

June 2011 was the month we were cleared to start trying to conceive and we planned our first at-home insemination. All our ducks were in a row and we were ready to go! We had no idea what we were doing, what to expect, but we headed into our baby journey full speed ahead. We didn’t know how much it would ultimately end up costing, we didn’t know that trying at home was a futile attempt and basically a waste of time, money, and sperm. We didn’t know that there was this whole other world to baby-making once you visited the RE. Hell we didn’t even know what RE stood for (reproductive endocrinologist aka fertility doctor in case you are still in the dark). But we blindly followed directions, sought advice and experiences online, and of course, started our blog to document our journey to mamahood.

Fast-forward and J was pregnant, Jaxson was born, Jaxson was growing. And while I struggled with filling my role as the “other” mother, eventually it became easy to be his Mama. He is most definitely my son, making my faces, sporting my attitude, being a big love-bug like me. We don’t share a drop of blood but he’s my son as much as he’s J’s.

J never wanted to be a Mama. She never thought she’d get married, she never thought she’d have kids (let alone from her body!). Yet here we are, married with a baby that grew in her belly for 9 months. I, on the other hand, always knew I would get married and get pregnant and have babies. I wanted 4! But then when I was 18 I was diagnosed with PCOS and the doctor crushed my dreams by telling me that I would never get pregnant. I don’t have regular periods and have to be on all sorts of medication just to make it happen. While most women would be apt to say “YAY! No periods EVER!” and are jealous, I was always embarrassed, frustrated, annoyed. Why can’t my body just work right? I want kids one day! The doctor’s answer was always the same – lose weight, be healthy, take birth control pills. You’ll figure it out in the future when you’re ready to have kids.

It’s been nearly 10 years since that diagnosis and not much has changed. When I lost weight a couple years ago I started getting my periods on my own, but they were irregular. Which meant my new doctor put me back on birth control pills. They, however, literally make me crazy – I get unbearably moody like nobody’s business and eventually develop a 24/7 migraine from the hormones in the pills, which meant I had to stop taking them because I couldn”t even function.

The only thing that has changed now is that I know that you can get pregnant with PCOS, after all my wife did. And so my dreams were resurrected and we had planned that I would start visiting the doctor about getting pregnant. Until J decided she wanted to try to carry a baby for us and I let her go first because she was older. You know that part of the story already though. ๐Ÿ™‚

While J was pregnant, we had planned that Jaxson and his next sibling would be fairly close in age, within 2 years or so of each other. The plan was that I would start trying to get pregnant the Summer after his 1st birthday, so that hopefully they would be just over 2 years apart. This month, in fact, I was supposed to start going to the doctor for my labs and scans and prepare to start trying for Baby #2 by my birthday in August.

But we’re not doing that. At the beginning of this year, we sat down and had a long talk about our plans for our family. My job was (is) unstable, we had major car repairs for both of our cars, money was tight, and generally we didn’t feel Jaxson (or we) were really ready for another baby. We wanted to focus on him for a little while longer and wait to see what happened with my job and pay down the car bills and save money. Because the difference this time is that we know how much its going to cost, and we’re just not prepared for that hit just yet.

So now, 6 months after that conversation, we’re ready. We want another baby. And we’re seeing her everywhere, which only makes the desire that much more unbearable. Last night Jaxson was yelling while playing outside and I had the fleeting thought, I hope he doesn’t wake the baby. It feels like she’s already here, perhaps because we feel just like we did before we got pregnant with Jaxson – like we were missing someone that we haven’t even met yet.

It literally hurts. I ache in my heart, in the pit in my stomach, in my womb. I find myself daydreaming about our next child, and I’ve seen her in dreams, visions, whatever you want to call them. I know her soul is out there, waiting for the right time to come to us, just like Jaxson’s did. I miss her and she’s not even here yet. The other night J told me that she felt the same way, and if I wanted to go ahead and start the process sooner rather than later, we could figure out how to make that happen.

I was thrilled to hear that, but I know that now is not the right time. We’re just not where we need to be financially to start the process again, and I’m still not 100% sold on the sperm donors we’ve looked at so far. We’ve been losing weight but I haven’t lost enough yet to have a healthy pregnancy. This time we’re not going in blindly. Instead we’re going in cautious, nervous, educated, experienced. It’ll be the same but different, because our roles will be reversed. I’m curious to see how J handles pregnant me! LOL I just know I’ll be excited for that 9 month break from cleaning the cat pan. ๐Ÿ˜‰

That said, I’m not writing this post to announce our grand plan for making Baby #2. The plan is….there is no plan. For now, it’s still postponed, because its not responsible for us to start trying just yet. It’s been on my mind a lot lately and I feel like it belongs out in the open instead of weighing on my mind in secret. Sometimes I feel like we are so alone, stranded out here in the desert of In-Between, knowing we want to start expanding our family but also knowing we can’t because we need to wait a little bit longer. But we both have the desire to become moms again and its only growing stronger with each day that passes. I miss our next baby/babies! I want Jaxson to have a sibling! I guess its our biological clocks tick-tick-ticking the minutes away. If only there was a snooze button!


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. DeCaf
    Jun 06, 2014 @ 12:51:03

    I understand a bit how you feel, we don’t have a baby yet and are probably about to start a break from ttc-ing, but I keep on thinking “the dog doing xyz will be horrible when the baby arrives”


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