The Magical Mom

Last night Jaxson woke up crying three times. The first time around 10:45 he cried for a minute while sitting up, then just flopped over and fell back asleep. No big deal, so J and I finished our TV show and we finally went to bed around midnight.

He was up again at 1am crying. Thanks to the video monitor we just kept an eye on him to make sure nothing major was going on, and watched as he fumbled around in the darkness trying to find MoMo (who we could see was partially hidden under the blanket, but Jax could not). After a few moments he gave up searching for MoMo and grabbed the nearest stuffed animal he could find (Simba), curled up, and stopped moving. J had taken some medication before bed and wasn’t feeling well, so when I asked if I should hold on to the monitor for the night, she said yes.

We fell back asleep but at 2am, the same situation repeated itself again, and we both were woken up by Jaxson crying and moving about his crib. We watched as he finally just paused and sat there, looking around, crying and babbling. He wasn’t in distress like he has been in the past when he’s had a bad dream and was visibly shaken/scared, but he was persistently whining and after 5 minutes this go-round I decided to get up to check on him.

Generally we don’t go into his room at all and instead let him figure it out on his own and get back to sleep. And usually if we do need to go get him, J will go because she can always get him back to sleep in record time, whereas it will usually take me forever. This has been a point of contention his whole life, where I have asked her to go tend to him because she could get him to sleep and I couldn’t get him to, because she was “the mom”. It’s ridiculous to think that way, I know, but seriously, so many times she would come in after I’d been with him for 30 minutes and she’d have him to sleep in 5. It’s not necessarily a skill I’m lacking, but just on the basic genetic level I think the bio mom is comforting in a way no one else can be. I think that even in hetero couples the bio moms have some magic super-power that lets the baby know its okay to chill out.

But seeing as she wasn’t feeling well and we were all tired and it was the third time he’d woken up, it was obvious something was going on and so I went to check on him. He’s had some belly troubles lately so that could have been bothering him, or perhaps he did have a bad dream after all. He was sitting in the middle of the crib and had MoMo clutched to his chest and when I opened his door he stood up and started calling Mama! Mama! with relief. I scooped him up, gave him back his nu-nu, sat down in the rocker in his room, and turned on his lullaby machine.

I didn’t speak, I didn’t make a big deal out of it, I just held him and rocked him. At first he was fidgety, like he is when going to bed at night, playing with MoMo’s ears and humming. As we rocked, his eyelids slowly started drooping and his hand motions slowed and finally, he passed out fast asleep in my arms, his long legs draped over mine. He’s gotten so tall that he doesn’t really fit on my lap anymore, but I held him like a baby just the same, storing this memory away for the future. One day we’ll have another baby to cuddle, but it won’t be Jaxson, and so I just sat there with him and listened to his snoring, soaking it all up while I still can.

I won’t lie, maybe I held him a little longer than I had to. And once he was asleep I hugged him and kissed his forehead and started to get up, but instead just sat there and kept rocking him. For some reason I just didn’t want to let him go and I was remembering all those months ago when he was just a little guy, so fragile and small, when night wakings were far too frequent and it was easy to get upset with him for waking up yet again. Last night was different though…instead of being upset with him I was honestly happy to see him. And so I held my baby boy and rocked him back to sleep. Just like old times. Yet something felt different inside of me and I felt the most like a mom than I have any other day of his life.

Maybe it’s because J and I have been talking so frequently lately about our next baby, about it being my turn to be the bio mom, and we’re impatiently waiting for the right time to come. Maybe the fact that its slowly drawing nearer is changing something inside of me, because I want to have a baby more than anything in the world right now. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but being the non-bio mom is hard. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and once I have a baby I’m sure J will say it as well. It’s not that you’re not thankful for this wonderful child, it’s more like you just don’t have that extra ounce of natural ingrained instinct telling you to suck it up and deal with all the stuff that comes with. It’s especially hard when they are demanding young infants, waking hour after hour, utterly helpless and selfishly taking up all of your time and energy, and its easy to get upset with them. I guess some people are better at non-bio-momhood than others, but it doesn’t make you a bad person if you’re not, it makes you human. And I know plenty of bio moms who get just as fed up. I’m sure I’ll be counted among them once I have a baby, too.

But last night, I didn’t even think the usual “I’ll never get him to sleep, I’m not J, I’m not the magical mom, it won’t work for me.” Instead I walked into his room without a second thought and just did it. And I think that was the difference, I had the confidence and a mom’s instinct to do just what he needed. In less than 5 minutes he was asleep, no muss, no fuss, no frustration on my part or feeling inadequate or lacking as a mom in any way. I kissed his forehead again as I slowly got up from the rocker, and I gently placed him back in the crib, covered him up, and quietly shut the door to his room, leaving him to peacefully sleep the rest of the night away. I padded back across the house to our room, silently congratulating myself on my victory. Mama B – you did it!

I needed last night to realize that I’m also the magical mom. Jaxson is just lucky enough to have two. 🙂

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Lindsay
    Jul 10, 2014 @ 19:49:33

    I really admire your honesty here. So many non-bio moms struggle with this, I’m CERTAIN of that, but are afraid to say the words out loud.

    You’re both magical mamas! ❤

    Reply

  2. TheChroniclesofaNonBellyMama
    Jul 10, 2014 @ 23:43:59

    This is great. It’s so honest and true. My partner and i have this discussion all the time about my fears as the non-belly mama. She’s been reading my blog and getting a better understanding of exactly what all of my fears are, but she still doesn’t really grasp it. These issues are real for us, so thanks for sharing…

    Reply

  3. Denise L Dorris
    Jul 11, 2014 @ 19:21:52

    So sweet…

    Reply

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