Frustrated

Today was my follow-up ultrasound appointment with the fertility doctor. I was so anxious about this visit that I swear you could have heard my heartbeat in the room. After a long pause, the doctor turned the screen around to show me what was going on – great lining, but not-so-great follicle growth. I have two larger follicles on both the right and left ovaries (so a total of 4 which is good at least) but none of them have taken the lead and they’ve only grown a little bit since last Wednesday. He said this was pretty common and not to worry (easy for him to say, right?), and he gave me two options:

  1. Wait a little longer and see if they grow on their own by next appointment. I could just be having a “slow” cycle this time around and ovulating later than last cycle (CD 19)….or….
  2. Have my estrogen and progesterone checked and depending on those values, start 150 mg of Clomid tomorrow to give those struggling follicles a boost. If the labs show I’ve already ovulated (highly unlikely) or I have cysts, then this cycle will be a bust and we’ll have to wait.

I chose the second option. I felt that waiting too much longer will render this cycle annovulatory and therefore a bust. So I took the option that seems to at least still gave us a chance this month. I had my stat labs drawn this morning and hopefully they’ll get those results back today so we can move forward sooner than later.I am just really really really hoping I can start the 150 mg of Clomid instead of having to wait out the rest of this cycle, and that I’ll get a good response and boost those follicles!

But I’m still really frustrated with my body. I’ve been back on our lower-carb diet and even lost some good weight this past week, but it just feels like my ovaries are laughing at me. And of course the old demons are whispering from my shoulders: “Well, they said you’ll never be able to get pregnant”. I know that I’m feeling bad for myself and being impatient, angry, annoyed, frustrated, but most of all I’m just sad and disappointed. I feel like I’m letting everyone down because my body can’t get its act together. I feel like we’re wasting thousands of dollars on a hopeless cause. When I told J the news this morning, she echoed my own thoughts of “maybe we should just stop trying”. I feel like a failure for even saying that, like I’m just giving up before we’ve even really started, and I know a lot of that is just raw frustration talking, because we do want to keep going, it’s just a matter of affording all of this. I know it can take time and unfortunately for us and those in our situation, lots of money…but its money we don’t have infinite amounts of and so of course that is just adding to our stress pile. I want our second baby, our baby girl that I know is out there, but it just feels like a dream that’s so far away and unattainable, slipping through our fingers, because we can’t afford to keep spending $2300/month to buy sperm and try to get pregnant.

*Sigh* Deep breaths…I know it will all work out the way it’s supposed to, I’m just having a really hard time keeping the faith today and looking for the silver lining in these dark clouds.

Update: The doctor’s office called me at 1 and left me a message, labs came back good (well, as good as they can be in this situation lol) and I’m starting the 150 mg of Clomid tomorrow night for 5 days. I go back on Tuesday morning for a follow-up ultrasound. They wanted me to come back in on Monday but I can’t take any time off that day – they said there is a (very) slim chance I could ovulate on my own or have too big of a follicle by waiting, but it’s a risk I’ve got to take. Fingers crossed this round of Clomid does the trick. It’d be a most welcome change to finally get some GOOD news! And if not, then I’m definitely asking about switching to Femara/Letrozole next cycle…if there is a next time.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DeCaf
    Jan 12, 2015 @ 21:12:35

    I totally hear you on the ambivalence. I have a certain number of more tries that is under three that I’m willing to do.

    Reply

  2. Becca
    Jan 13, 2015 @ 07:47:03

    it’s so frustrating when our bodies don’t cooperate. I had long cycles that got even longer from stress I’m sure, so I feel your pain and uncertainty. Good luck with the clomid, hope it does the job!

    Reply

  3. X
    Jan 19, 2015 @ 16:00:36

    Hoping that things go well tomorrow – I find that the most frustrating thing about ttc is the combination of control and complete lack of control.

    Reply

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