For the last week or so, I have been having dreams that I’m pregnant. I pee on a stick and there are two beautiful lines there. I run into the other room to tell my wife. We jump around like fools: crying, laughing, so excited. We tell Jax he’s going to be a big brother. “Mommy baby, belly!” he shouts.
And then I wake up. And I’m freaking sad about it. Because there is no way I’m pregnant right now, as much as I wish I were. I even peed on a stick last weekend to prove to myself that I’m not, but the dreams keep coming, leaving me with an ever-widening hole in my heart.
Maybe the dreams mean that I will be pregnant soon. Maybe we’ll come back from this hiatus and get our positive on the first try (third times a charm?). I will admit, the time off from TTC this month has been nice. I’ve been lax on temping every morning and noting signs/symptoms of my cycle much less frequently. I haven’t had to miss work to go to doctor’s appointments, and of course, we haven’t had to spend the money for the doctor/sperm either. It’s been so relieving not to be pumped full of medication, or constantly questioning my body as to whether or not I’m pregnant the minute after IUI. TTC really does make you go a little crazy, I think.
I know that everything happens at the right time and I know that everything happens for a reason. I wish we hadn’t had to take this break, but alas, money doesn’t grow on trees ’round these parts. I wish this whole thing wasn’t so expensive, or that we could win the lottery so we wouldn’t bat an eye at the cost, we’d just try and try and try until we got our baby. Hell, if money was no issue then I’d probably be tempted to just skip right to IVF.
But here we are, waiting in limbo. We wanted to take this break to not only bounce back financially but also to get our bodies healthier. Instead, we’re failing on both fronts because we’ve been sick and grabbing food out instead of cooking at home and counting calories. Sometimes it feels like we’ll never get our act together. A not-so-friendly relative of mine said something about how we have all this money to make a baby and I wanted to say that yeah, we have all this money racked up on credit cards. We’ve got a pile of debt that feels very overwhelming, and I feel guilty for wanting a child, because it’s so expensive just to get pregnant.
At least my wife supports me, and wants another child as much as I do. She’s been telling me the past few days how we need to get our act together and stop eating crap because how else is my body going to be able to make a baby? And we’re worried about my job, which is a contract position, and may be ending in March. If that happens, our baby-making will be delayed indefinitely, and that scares the crap out of me. So I’m stressed and depressed and I tend to eat my feelings when either of those things happen. We are very upset about our current situation, but the only ones who can change it is us. We need to stop spending money and stop eating out, and focus on getting our health and our finances back in order.
I just wish I were pregnant already. I know it wouldn’t be easier per se and I would just be worrying about something pregnancy-related instead, but at least I wouldn’t be worrying about buying sperm. A girl can dream, right?