Not Yet

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week, and I’ve never been more aware of my infertility than today. I was hoping so much that I’d have a good happy update today, and my hopes were crushed. I’m sitting at my desk right now, leaking tears and hoping no one around me notices and asks what’s wrong. I went for my follicle check this morning. I felt confident and calm going in to the appointment, but was a sobbing mess in the car on the way out. I have close to zero activity on the both ovaries, definitely nothing on the left but maybe two follicles coming up on the right, but nothing substantial yet. Since I’m a known slow-grower, they are having me come back in next Thursday 4/30 to check again and see if anything’s happened. That will put me at CD 15 and since I normally ovulate CD 16-19, I’m hoping that appointment will show some good progress.

My eyes started filling with tears when he told me the findings of the ultrasound. I thought for sure with all the discomfort I’d been having this past week that I’d have something to show for it all today. Both he and the nurse assured me that they will do everything they can to get me to ovulate and not to worry, that it’s okay to be a slow-grower, and that they have an arsenal of tools they can use if need be. So I go back next week to see if anything’s happening, and if not…then I’m sure injectables are the next step to try to salvage the cycle.

I’m not scared of the needles, not scared of doing my own injections – I’m scared of the cost. I’m scared of the unknown future, the future I feel keeps slipping through my fingers with every bum ultrasound. I just want to be a mom again and carry a baby in my womb. It’s all I’ve ever wanted, and I’m angry that this has to be so hard. I’m terrified that it’ll never happen. I’m overwhelmed by all the doctor appointments and cost. I’m sad that I am not pregnant yet and I feel like I’m letting my wife, my son, everyone down. I just wanted to have a good response this time and be ready to go early. I wanted to be able to do the IUI close to our 3rd wedding anniversary on Monday. I wanted all sorts of things for this cycle, because it’d just be so wonderful for the timing to line up just right, but I’m roadblocked yet again by two words…NOT YET. Just goes to show the let-down is much harder when you get your hopes up too high.

The rational side of me says: I know it’s still early in this cycle, and I know it will happen at the right time, I know this cycle could still happen and next week’s ultrasound could be great. But right now, in this moment, my heart is broken. I’m grieving what so many women take for granted: normal bodies that know how to reproduce. So many people would say, well you’re lucky – you already have a child. But that doesn’t lessen the sting of the fact that I have yet to carry a child inside of me. It’s such a deep ache, born of years of dreaming about it, waiting for it. And I’m so impatient. I’m ready NOW.

But the universe is saying no, NOT YET. So I’m going to choose to believe in the YET that’s coming, instead of the now that truly sucks. This too shall pass, there are good things still to come. Just please God, let next week’s appointment bring some good news with it.


20 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. DeCaf
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 10:38:16

    I hear you. Except for the already having a kid part.


    • B
      Apr 24, 2015 @ 10:45:45

      I feel like it makes me sound selfish to be so upset when we do already have a kid. I’m just thankful my wife had relatively mild infertility and conceived much easier than me. If I’d gone first like we’d originally planned, I don’t know where we’d be now.


      • DeCaf
        Apr 24, 2015 @ 10:58:36

        Nah, it’s not selfish to wasn’t two kids. My infertility was kind of a sucker punch, I had all the initial signs of being perfectly fertile, good thyroid, regular cycles, no weigh issues, positive OPKs each month.

  2. nikster1979
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 10:51:32

    Oh sweetie, sending good “growing” thoughts your way. I’m sorry it didn’t go the way you’d hoped. Fingers crossed for Wed!


  3. speckofawesome
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 10:53:01

    NOT YET is the hardest to deal with. It never tells us WHEN. Just because you already have a kid doesn’t make the pain any less or the waiting any more bearable. ❤ I hope you have wonderful follicles at the next scan.


  4. hamsterboo
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 11:21:07

    Sending happy thoughts your way, I hope the next ultrasound is much better!


  5. AmyApplesnail
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 11:41:56

    Good luck for your next ultrasound! I can only imagine how hard this stage of TTC can be with the waiting and the disappointment…


  6. TheChroniclesofaNonBellyMama
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 12:09:58

    That is so incredibly frustrating…hopefully next weeks scan will put your fears to rest and you’ll have some super awesome follicles! Crossing my fingers for you friend…


  7. thebarrenlibrarian
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 12:58:49

    Oh girl, I have BEEN. THERE. It’s so annoying when our ovaries won’t just get up and do the work they’re supposed to do! But it’s early yet, I’m hoping for great things for Wednesday.


  8. Molly
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 14:09:54

    I really hope that next week brings good things. I’m so sorry this scan was a disappointment. There were such good signs!


  9. Roxxroxx
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 16:04:28

    It’s a terribly frustrating feeling, but you know there are some solutions for you. Keep strong and focus on all the wonder you have around you. Xxooxx


  10. Curious B
    Apr 24, 2015 @ 20:29:51

    What did your blood work show today? It seems like your follicles could be small but your hormones could be on track. Just throwing it out there. . With lots of hugs. We are all cheering for you.


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