We’re Really Going To Do This

Clomid? Check. OPK’s? Check. Ovidrel? Check. Supplies for home IUI? Check. Sperm? Scheduled for pickup on Monday afternoon.

J got her period last night so today is her official CD 1. She’ll be doing Clomid 50 mg CD 5-9 and starting OPK’s on CD 9 (ours don’t react to Clomid, we checked!) until CD 11. We’ll be triggering with the Ovidrel on CD 11 unless she gets a positive OPK prior to that, and then we’ll do the IUI 36 hours later at home.

We’re both very excited (and nervous and scared and anxious). We’re really going do this. All I keep thinking is, “What if it works?”

I’m trying not to get too overly hopeful or be crazy optimistic, but I have a good feeling. If we get pregnant this time, it will have been just us two making a baby, which is what we always wanted. Simple, normal, regular. I want it to work so badly. I really hope it does.

Written June 25, 2015.

Fucking Ridiculous

I found out on June 17th that I’m losing my job on June 30th. Count ’em – that’s only 9 working days notice! I’ll be honest, I’m not shocked, but I am surprised they gave us such short notice. They sent us some bullshit letter about how they sort of knew but didn’t want to tell anyone. What?! At least we could have been planning this whole time instead of being blindsided. I’ve been doing contract-based work for about a year and half, since our company bought our building from a large financial institution that was looking to cut some costs. I’ve been on 3 different projects since they took over, had benefits whose costs keep escalating, and lived in constant fear that “this would be the month” that they let us all go. Over the past few months, I’ve watched numerous co-workers and friends flee the company to more stable jobs or be let go (they like to call it “furloughed” and then they never bring you back), always clinging on to some stupid hope that it wouldn’t happen to me. My pay is phenomenal – thanks to the large financial institution hiring me in at that pay (we haven’t gotten raises in close to 3 years) which our current company kept paying us. So we’re a little stressed out that I’m losing my pay. But I’m not stressed about losing this place. Honestly, I’m rather relieved.

It’s awful to have to come to work at a place you absolutely loathe, that offers you no incentive or enrichment. Sure the pay was great, but the mental stress of having to deal with fearing for your job on the daily has taken its toll. I’m tired. I’ve already started putting in job applications and started cutting back on some of our monthly costs to hopefully keep us floating above water until my unemployment pay kicks in. I hope I can move into another job quickly so it won’t get too bad. We’ll figure it out though, we always do. At least my company decided to open up overtime for us to finish out our work before the 30th, so I’m banking in on some 13-14 hour days next week to get as much as I can, plus working 8-5 today.

This all wouldn’t be as bad if J wasn’t also losing her job toward the end of the year. We actually found out at the beginning of June that this was happening, but at least she had four months’ notice. We were planning around me still having my job, so of course those plans had to be thrown out of the window and completely rewritten. Even through all of this stress, we both agree that it feels like we’re being “guided” in some direction, toward some other path. I know that things will work out in the end, they always do, but its still just frustrating and stressful to have to deal with it at all.

On the bright side is Jaxson. He’s so amazing, when he’s not hitting or kicking us or being a “naughty boy” on purpose. He’ll even tell you: “I’m not nice boy, I’m naughty boy” like in Walmart last night when he would. not. cooperate. Mostly though, he really is a nice, good boy. He has such a kind heart and such love for his mommies. He gives the best snuggles and kisses and ugga-muggas (rubbing noses). He loves his stuffed animals, and bring them everywhere. Swimming is one of his favorite activities, and he can now swim around both grandparents’ pools on his own (with floaties of course). He can have full conversations with you now, and you can understand so much of what he says. He knows all of his colors, shapes, and ABCs, and about half his numbers 1-10. The thing that comes along with this boost in vocabulary, however, is that he is now repeating literally everything we say. In fact, last night, Jaxson says: “That’s fucking ridiculous!” Well, yes it is buddy, but I think it’s time we implement some censorship for J and I. 🙂

Light Bulb

Last I wrote, we had just found out J was losing her job in a few months but we were still planning to move forward, using our last two vials for her. The other day we were talking about all of it: securing the sperm, shipping/picking-up/storing it, when we would be heading to the doctor based on her period tracker predictions and such, figuring out how to pay for it all… Then a lightbulb went on in my head. A crazy “are you really thinking this?” kind of light bulb.

And so I said to J: “Hey – what if we tried at home first?”

Her jaw dropped.

“I mean, I think I have refills left on all my meds.”

Her eyes lit up.

“After all, we do know what worked for you last time.”

She thought for a moment, and then said: “OMG, let’s try at home.”

It’s way cheaper to try at home. It’s what we always wanted when she was getting pregnant the first time, too, but since she wasn’t ovulating she needed Clomid and Ovidrel. She ovulated on the same day both cycles we did IUI at the doctor. She’s predictable, and easy (fertility-wise at least ;)). The gears began to spin in both of our heads. How could we make this happen?

We have detailed notes of what worked for J last time she was trying to get pregnant. Our sperm bank gives us a needle-less syringe and we actually bought catheters when we were considering trying at home with me back in October, and they’ve just been sitting in our junk drawer (sterile wrapped of course), so I could do the IUI at home. I’ve watched both of her IUIs and had three IUIs myself so I know what it entails, plus I found this resource for instructions for a DIY IUI at home. I know I could do it. She trusts me enough to have me do it. I checked and I do have refills left for Clomid. My Ovidrel had a refill but it expired 5/30/15 so I called the doctor and left a message asking them to refill it, so we’ll see what happens there. If the doctor refills my Ovidrel, then by golly, we’re going to try this at home.

This is crazy. Like, really crazy. But crazy enough that it just might work, right?

Written June 9, 2015.

Update 6/11/15: They refilled my Ovidrel prescription!

Plans, They Change Again (and Again)

We got my negative results on May 28. I was a wreck, both of us were. We were so sure it would be a positive, despite all the negative home pregnancy tests. I cried for days, I couldn’t sleep, I hated my body and the Universe for making my body so damn difficult. I was grieving, for all intents and purposes, for the baby my body wanted but didn’t have. I think the blow was harder, too, because we literally have no way to pay for another IUI cycle for me with injectables or even IVF, and we don’t want to put baby #2 on hold for an unknown amount of time to save up for it. We were stuck and devastated and wondering what we’d do next. Once reason returned and the tears dried, we could finally sit down and make a decision that made sense to our heads as well as our hearts.

In the week leading up to my negative blood test, we had started weighing our options again if this cycle didn’t work out. Originally, we had 6 vials of our donor sperm left. We had wanted to try four times with me and then if I didn’t get pregnant, we’d switch to trying twice with J. Since we had that crappy vial, we only have two left in storage. (At least we got our refund for our dud vial and in a strange turn of events, found out that our sperm bank has relocated to Orlando! Now we can just go and pick up our vials for $50 versus the $175 shipping cost from their prior location in NYC, which is just awesome.) If I were to try again right now, my next step is an injectables-only IUI cycle, which means loads of money we just don’t have to pay for the medication and the cycle, and the risk that we wouldn’t get pregnant again and we’d only have one vial left. We don’t like our chances with IUI + injectables and would rather just go for it with IVF if I’m going to have do an injectables-only cycle. Either way, we can’t afford that right now.

We have almost enough left in savings to do another Clomid IUI cycle, so when we are ready to get back to it, I won’t be the one trying to get pregnant. Since J was such a straightforward case at the RE, we’re going to try with our remaining two vials of sperm with her instead. We may still end up needing to borrow money from family to keep going, but one more try for me with injectables would essentially cost the same as two more Clomid tries for her – the same number of vials remaining. Obviously I’m not responding well to the medication/protocol at a level we’re comfortable with since I can only get one follicle each time and it takes FOREVER (for comparison, J had 4 the first time and 2 the time we got pregnant with Jaxson). So we don’t want to waste these last two vials of our donor on me when I’m having such a hard time responding properly and not getting pregnant. Not to mention, the side-effects from some of the medication and the numerous doctor’s appointments have me missing work which means no pay. Additionally, my job doesn’t offer any type of maternity leave aside from 6 weeks of short-term disability at 60% of my pay, which would not be enough to pay our bills. And since I already have FMLA that I use for my chronic health condition, we’d run the risk of me not having enough left to offer job protection during my pregnancy/maternity leave. Since J already works from home, basically has guaranteed pay/job security (and flexibility!), and is already taking care of Jaxson at home, it just seems like the smarter choice to have her get pregnant since she can still work, get paid, and stay home with our babies.

Sure, we could just wait a few years and try to save up for IVF, but that’s not a guarantee that we’d be able to save up enough. Plus, we are ready for another baby now and J’s only getting older, so we’ve decided to take the next two months or so to get back on track diet-wise and get her body ready to do this so we can move forward. J’s actually really excited to get the chance to have a “do-over” since her pregnancy with Jax was so stressful and she didn’t really get a chance to enjoy it. She even told me the other day that I was so great to her while she was pregnant, and I’m excited to be there to support her again while she grows our next baby! I’m thinking/hoping it will be the end of July/beginning of August when we’ll be ready to start trying again and while it means that I won’t be getting pregnant, it does mean that we have a chance at having another baby sooner rather than later and we are so lucky to have two uteruses in this relationship!

This isn’t necessarily the end of the road for me, though. We’ve also discussed in great length that we would not be opposed to having more than two children should our circumstances allow us to afford IVF for me to get pregnant in the future. We both want me to be able to have this experience but since I need the “big guns” of injectables, we’d rather do IVF to up our chances even more than just doing injectables with IUI again. I’m sad that I won’t be pregnant right now, but at least we don’t have to completely say no to me getting pregnant in the future instead. I’ve still got 7 years until I’m 35 after all! I’m just so glad that J is willing to carry again to give us our next baby. We’re just hoping she’ll have no problem getting pregnant this time around, and hey – maybe it’ll work on the first try and we’ll have that last vial left over for me in the future!

It’s not what we had planned, but we’re quickly learning that our lives are never going to go according to our plans and we need to learn to adapt and let go. The end result is still baby #2 and that’s really all we want, no matter whose uterus it comes from! I just think its funny how I always wanted to be a Pinteresty-type Mom and she always wanted to be a working woman, and here we are with our roles reversed – her being a stay-at-home mom (although she is a working woman too!) and me breadwinning with my bank job. God sure does have a sense of humor, doesn’t he?

Written June 1, 2015.

Update 6/2/15: Well, we just found out today that J will no longer have her work-at-home job by the end of this year. While we are freaking out and wondering how on earth we’ll make it, we know that we’ll figure it out. We are already taking steps and making plans so that she can continue to stay home, versus finding an out of home job to basically just pay for daycare for Jaxson. We are going to go ahead and try to get her pregnant with our last two vials in the meantime, and we are really hoping at least one try will work! She’s really been down on her job lately and hating how much time its taking away from her spending time with Jaxson, so at least on that front it will be better to no longer have it. She said she felt so guilty that she wanted to stay home, and I told her that in that case, I feel guilty that I want her to stay home, too. We really don’t want Jax to go into daycare just yet, so anything I/we can do to prevent that would be awesome. Wish us luck…we’re going to need it!