Plans, They Change Again (and Again)

We got my negative results on May 28. I was a wreck, both of us were. We were so sure it would be a positive, despite all the negative home pregnancy tests. I cried for days, I couldn’t sleep, I hated my body and the Universe for making my body so damn difficult. I was grieving, for all intents and purposes, for the baby my body wanted but didn’t have. I think the blow was harder, too, because we literally have no way to pay for another IUI cycle for me with injectables or even IVF, and we don’t want to put baby #2 on hold for an unknown amount of time to save up for it. We were stuck and devastated and wondering what we’d do next. Once reason returned and the tears dried, we could finally sit down and make a decision that made sense to our heads as well as our hearts.

In the week leading up to my negative blood test, we had started weighing our options again if this cycle didn’t work out. Originally, we had 6 vials of our donor sperm left. We had wanted to try four times with me and then if I didn’t get pregnant, we’d switch to trying twice with J. Since we had that crappy vial, we only have two left in storage. (At least we got our refund for our dud vial and in a strange turn of events, found out that our sperm bank has relocated to Orlando! Now we can just go and pick up our vials for $50 versus the $175 shipping cost from their prior location in NYC, which is just awesome.) If I were to try again right now, my next step is an injectables-only IUI cycle, which means loads of money we just don’t have to pay for the medication and the cycle, and the risk that we wouldn’t get pregnant again and we’d only have one vial left. We don’t like our chances with IUI + injectables and would rather just go for it with IVF if I’m going to have do an injectables-only cycle. Either way, we can’t afford that right now.

We have almost enough left in savings to do another Clomid IUI cycle, so when we are ready to get back to it, I won’t be the one trying to get pregnant. Since J was such a straightforward case at the RE, we’re going to try with our remaining two vials of sperm with her instead. We may still end up needing to borrow money from family to keep going, but one more try for me with injectables would essentially cost the same as two more Clomid tries for her – the same number of vials remaining. Obviously I’m not responding well to the medication/protocol at a level we’re comfortable with since I can only get one follicle each time and it takes FOREVER (for comparison, J had 4 the first time and 2 the time we got pregnant with Jaxson). So we don’t want to waste these last two vials of our donor on me when I’m having such a hard time responding properly and not getting pregnant. Not to mention, the side-effects from some of the medication and the numerous doctor’s appointments have me missing work which means no pay. Additionally, my job doesn’t offer any type of maternity leave aside from 6 weeks of short-term disability at 60% of my pay, which would not be enough to pay our bills. And since I already have FMLA that I use for my chronic health condition, we’d run the risk of me not having enough left to offer job protection during my pregnancy/maternity leave. Since J already works from home, basically has guaranteed pay/job security (and flexibility!), and is already taking care of Jaxson at home, it just seems like the smarter choice to have her get pregnant since she can still work, get paid, and stay home with our babies.

Sure, we could just wait a few years and try to save up for IVF, but that’s not a guarantee that we’d be able to save up enough. Plus, we are ready for another baby now and J’s only getting older, so we’ve decided to take the next two months or so to get back on track diet-wise and get her body ready to do this so we can move forward. J’s actually really excited to get the chance to have a “do-over” since her pregnancy with Jax was so stressful and she didn’t really get a chance to enjoy it. She even told me the other day that I was so great to her while she was pregnant, and I’m excited to be there to support her again while she grows our next baby! I’m thinking/hoping it will be the end of July/beginning of August when we’ll be ready to start trying again and while it means that I won’t be getting pregnant, it does mean that we have a chance at having another baby sooner rather than later and we are so lucky to have two uteruses in this relationship!

This isn’t necessarily the end of the road for me, though. We’ve also discussed in great length that we would not be opposed to having more than two children should our circumstances allow us to afford IVF for me to get pregnant in the future. We both want me to be able to have this experience but since I need the “big guns” of injectables, we’d rather do IVF to up our chances even more than just doing injectables with IUI again. I’m sad that I won’t be pregnant right now, but at least we don’t have to completely say no to me getting pregnant in the future instead. I’ve still got 7 years until I’m 35 after all! I’m just so glad that J is willing to carry again to give us our next baby. We’re just hoping she’ll have no problem getting pregnant this time around, and hey – maybe it’ll work on the first try and we’ll have that last vial left over for me in the future!

It’s not what we had planned, but we’re quickly learning that our lives are never going to go according to our plans and we need to learn to adapt and let go. The end result is still baby #2 and that’s really all we want, no matter whose uterus it comes from! I just think its funny how I always wanted to be a Pinteresty-type Mom and she always wanted to be a working woman, and here we are with our roles reversed – her being a stay-at-home mom (although she is a working woman too!) and me breadwinning with my bank job. God sure does have a sense of humor, doesn’t he?

Written June 1, 2015.

Update 6/2/15: Well, we just found out today that J will no longer have her work-at-home job by the end of this year. While we are freaking out and wondering how on earth we’ll make it, we know that we’ll figure it out. We are already taking steps and making plans so that she can continue to stay home, versus finding an out of home job to basically just pay for daycare for Jaxson. We are going to go ahead and try to get her pregnant with our last two vials in the meantime, and we are really hoping at least one try will work! She’s really been down on her job lately and hating how much time its taking away from her spending time with Jaxson, so at least on that front it will be better to no longer have it. She said she felt so guilty that she wanted to stay home, and I told her that in that case, I feel guilty that I want her to stay home, too. We really don’t want Jax to go into daycare just yet, so anything I/we can do to prevent that would be awesome. Wish us luck…we’re going to need it!

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