Test Day… And 3 Days After

September 10th was official test day and we headed out early to get J’s blood drawn for her beta. She tested yesterday, and it was negative, but since she hadn’t gotten her period, we went to get the beta anyway.

The nurse called at 1:30… Negative. Our hearts sunk. J mentioned the complete lack of period (she is like clockwork), and the nurse said if she hadn’t started by next week they could redo the beta or have her come in for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay.

That wasn’t necessary, because after there days of wondering if it was too early for the beta to be accurate, our cycle ended.

This was our last vial of our donor. This was our last bit of money in savings. We gave this everything, and its gone like that. And we have nothing to show for it.

*sigh* I don’t know what we are going to do now…

Our Last Hurrah

We had our IUI this morning and everything went swimmingly (haha)! We were so happy to hear that our sperm count this time was the highest its ever been – 44 million! That’s over 10 million more than when J got pregnant with Jaxson! At least it feels like we’re going into our last try with our last vial giving it all we’ve got. We are really optimistic and hopeful but at the same time absolutely terrified. LOL

We had dropped Jax off with my dad before our appointment, and so we went out to breakfast after the IUI and enjoyed a nice, stress-free breakfast at Keke’s. We shared a banana caramel waffle and actually had the time to taste the food without having to reign in a toddler! It was nice to just get a moment to ourselves that wasn’t rushed.

After breakfast we checked out Once Upon A Child and found Jax a few new tank tops, oohed and aahed over the baby girl clothes, and headed home to pick Jax up. J started cramping and feeling really tired, so we laid low the rest of the day.

Even though we’re scared, we’re also really really excited. Jaxson keeps saying there’s a baby in Mama’s belly and he wants it to come out. We keep telling him its not ready yet and he gets all disappointed. I’m sure one day he’ll be asking us to put it back in (LOL), but for now, he’s pretty darn cute about wanting a baby. 🙂

She’s adamant about not testing early this time, and I’m okay with that. She goes for her progesterone test on 9/3 and then her blood pregnancy test on 9/10. Here we go!

One For The Money…

J had her follow-up appointment with Dr. Chamoun this morning and…we have one 22 mm follicle ready to go! She also had two more smaller ones, but the doctor said they probably wouldn’t catch up in time. She said she already feels pregnant (from the Letrozole). When she told that to Dr. Chamoun he goes, “I didn’t know I was that good!” LOL But we were glad to hear she had taken to the meds really well and very happy that we are good to go! She does the trigger shot tonight at 9 p.m. and then we go in for the IUI on Thursday morning at 9 a.m. YAY!!!!

Ready To Go Again!

We went to the fertility doctor yesterday morning. J had her baseline CD 3 ultrasound and much to our surprise, everything was perfect in there! We were fearing the worst but there were absolutely no cysts on her ovaries, which is what we were worried about, because it would make us wait until next month to start trying. 

So she left with a prescription for Femara/Letrozole 5 mg for CD 3-7 starting last night. She had some headaches and visual issues when taking the Clomid when we tried at home last month, so we felt switching was a good idea. 

We go back next Tuesday for the follow up ultrasound to see how many follicles grew. I’m hoping for at least two so we have some good chances with our last vial!

A Birthday, A Big Boy Bed, and Tantrums

I’m a little late posting this…August 12 was my birthday! I was kind of bummed because we didn’t have much money to do anything, but my lovely wife gave me an at-home pedicure the night before which turned out great! I started my birthday by taking Jax to Dr. Helft for his 2.5 year checkup and then met my mother-in-law for lunch and coffee. Yum! After Jax’s nap, we dropped him off at my parents’ house so J and I could have a nice dinner together at Outback. It ended up being a 45 minute wait there, so we headed over to one of our local favorites and found out they do free birthday dinners! So we got a budget-friendly and very tasty meal and had a nice time out together. We even got Starbucks afterwards thanks to a gift card from my mother-in-law! Overall it was a very nice and low key day; a great start to my 29th year. 🙂

As for Jax’s doctor visit, everything went really well. He’s 30 lbs and 38.5 inches, which is 53rd and 98th percentile respectively. He’s so tall! Everything checked out great and he’s developing right on schedule. He had no shots this time (yay!) and he doesn’t go back until he’s 3. They always ask such strange questions, like does he alternate feet to climb up stairs or ladders…we had to really think about it, but yes he does if he can reach. He also got to answer some of the questions on his own, like what does he like to do? His answer: I like to play drums and piano and guitar at Guh-Guh’s…oh and go swimming! Dr. Helft was pretty impressed with him! 

We love seeing Dr. Helft and we liked how when it was time to check Jax’s diaper area, he made sure to stress to Jax that only him and mommies are allowed to look there, no matter what. J and I have wondered when and how to start introducing that concept, and it’s sad that that even has to be taught to children, but alas it is a sad world out there. So we left our visit with a very healthy and happy boy who even got a lollipop for being so good (unlike the girl in the room down the hall who was literally screaming nonstop for her whole visit).

Everything else in Jax’s world has been mostly good. He’s blossoming in personality and vocabulary and every day he amazes us. He knows how to get to ours and the grandparents’ houses by telling us to turn left or right. He knows all of his colors and can now song Twinkle, Twinkle and the ABC’s (most of the time). He’s started counting and is good with 1-4 and 8-11 (but leaves out 5, 6, 7). He loves puzzles and cars and animals. He loves playing outside and even helped us wash the cars the other day. He helps me take out the garbage and feed the guineaa pigs.  He can mostly dress himself and has gone on the potty more, but not frequently enough to say were making much progress. He’s kind of gone backwards with it here he’s just too lazy to go sit on the potty, or he only wants to do it when he wants candy. He talks in full sentences now and even has some funny little sayings. “Oh c’mon!” when something is really funny or if he is struggling or drops something. “Wait a second” and “No wait, I mean…” when he’s talking too fast to pick the right thing to say. He makes jokes, he tickles us, he loves to snuggle. 

Oh, I forgot to mention he moved to the toddler bed and HE LOVES IT! He was fighting a nap one day and as we were watching him on the monitor, he started climbing out. J went in there and he was halfway out of the bed, so we knew it was time to move him to the big boy bed. We converted the crib and moved his room around right then and surprisingly (because we’ve heard horror stories) he just goes right to bed. He doesn’t get up multiple times and throw fits about going to bed. He just climbs up there like a big boy and lays down. There has only been one time that he got up when we put him down but that was it. We put him back to bed and he stayed no problem. He gets up in the morning now and comes to our room to get us up, although we usually wake up when we hear him open his door. He loves his new room setup and newfound freedom to play in his room now. He’s getting so big…

And so is his attitude. For all the wonderful things he is and does, his tantrums are awful. The other day he just screamed at us all day and cried and hit us and banged on the walls and carried on. J and I were both completely frazzled by the end of the day. Timeouts didn’t work, spanking didn’t work, yelling didn’t work. The only thing that worked (not really) was ignoring him. At the end of the night he threw such an awful tantrum after bathtime that I just ended up just hugging him so tight so he couldn’t move until he calmed down, which took a good ten minutes. I just kept telling him I loved him him even though he was acting in a way I didn’t like. He kept saying “Don’t say I love you!” So I just said it more. LOL A friend of ours was over that night and was like OMG – they’d never seen him act like that. It’s been an unbearable couple of days, and I think he’s just testing his boundaries and trying to be Mr. Independent and getting frustrated when we still help him or do things instead of letting him do them. He’s just gotta learn that sometimes mommies still have to help because he’s just not big enough yet.

He’s getting there, though. Our big little boy is growing up so fast, too fast. 🙂 

Jax & MoMo in his Big Boy Bed!

 

How Do You Have A Vitamin D Deficiency In Florida?

We went to the doctor for our follow-up appointment today. We were super nervous going in and of course, feared the worst. 

Luckily, we met with the doctor and while some of J’s labs weren’t good, most of them were great! Her thyroid, A1C, and hormones all came back great. However, her AMH was a little low (9.8 and they like it to be 10) and FSH was a little high but still in the normal range. Basically all that means is she has a few less eggs than someone else her age, due to age, but it’s not really a big deal. The other bad result was that J’s Vitamin D was super low. How this can happen in the Sunshine State I’m not sure, but she has to take a supplement once a week for 8 weeks and then they will recheck it. We asked what Vitamin D had to do with fertility and he explained that it helps support implantation. And while he “couldn’t say for certain” that that could have contributed to our chemical pregnancy last month, chances are good that’s what happened.

The best news from the visit: we get to go ahead and try this next cycle! We thought we would have to wait until she finished the Vitamin D supplements, but he said we could proceed as planned. Yay!

Down On Our Luck

It seems our luck has run out (what little of it we had left). We picked up and dropped off our last vial of Todd early this week, and that was about the only thing that went off without a hitch.

  1. We got denied for temporary assistance in paying our mortgage, so we had to make some scary financial decisions in order to be able to pay our mortgage, which we are feeling really down about. Basically, because I’m getting unemployment we make too much money to qualify for the program.
  2. I still have not heard back from ANY jobs. Like seriously, there is NO way that I am not qualified for anything that’s available, locally and remote! I’m getting really frustrated, and that Seattle job keeps calling my name and tempting me to just up and go…even though we both know that would be the wrong choice for our family.
  3. Dr. Chamoun’s office called J this morning to break the news – her AMH levels were low. We don’t know the specifics but they booked us for an appointment tomorrow morning to review her results with the doctor since they were booked up for the next three weeks…great.

I know what low AMH means…it means low egg quality and/or ovarian reserve. She’s not even 36 yet! It just feels like another giant Fuck You on our baby-making adventure. We’ve talked about it extensively today, and decided that if he tells us we have to do IVF to use J, then we’re going to walk away. If we were able to do IVF, then I would be the one going through that, not J. If he wants us to do injectables with IUI, then we’ll consider it, but we’re not happy about it. She’s a super needle-phobe so I know doing the injectables would be really hard for her. Not to mention the extra cost…

I feel like we are judged when we are like we are too poor to pay our mortgage, but we’re going to the doctor for a baby. Truth be told, we really thought that the mortgage assistance program would come through for us and we’d have that extra $900 in our savings to be used toward baby-making. Her mom offered us some money towards baby-making, too. But now that we have to consider additional costs, I’m worried. I just feel like for every step forward that we take, we take ten back. I feel like every plan we make gets destroyed almost immediately after a decision is made. Nothing is easy right now, in fact, its downright impossible. No job, no money, major stress and depression over our situation, and now possibly no baby…we are losing our everloving minds over here. We really, really needed a win and it feels like we’ve just gotten punched in the face…again.

Maybe it’s the universe’s way of telling us to wait for baby #2. But I don’t want to! I wanted this baby 8 months ago. If I’d gotten pregnant in December, I would have been due in two months. I am haunted by that, the fact that this process has taken so long to get nowhere and taken such an emotional toll on us, leaving us sad and angry. I know there is no point in rehashing the past, but I’m upset about it. I feel like I let us down because I couldn’t get pregnant. I just feel like the universe has conspired against us to say, “Nope, no baby for you, and while we’re at it, we’ll screw you over in every way we can.”

Needless to say, we’re upset. Angry. Confused. And wondering WTF we’re going to do next…after all, we only have the one vial left…

Written July 30, 2015

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