It seems our luck has run out (what little of it we had left). We picked up and dropped off our last vial of Todd early this week, and that was about the only thing that went off without a hitch.
- We got denied for temporary assistance in paying our mortgage, so we had to make some scary financial decisions in order to be able to pay our mortgage, which we are feeling really down about. Basically, because I’m getting unemployment we make too much money to qualify for the program.
- I still have not heard back from ANY jobs. Like seriously, there is NO way that I am not qualified for anything that’s available, locally and remote! I’m getting really frustrated, and that Seattle job keeps calling my name and tempting me to just up and go…even though we both know that would be the wrong choice for our family.
- Dr. Chamoun’s office called J this morning to break the news – her AMH levels were low. We don’t know the specifics but they booked us for an appointment tomorrow morning to review her results with the doctor since they were booked up for the next three weeks…great.
I know what low AMH means…it means low egg quality and/or ovarian reserve. She’s not even 36 yet! It just feels like another giant Fuck You on our baby-making adventure. We’ve talked about it extensively today, and decided that if he tells us we have to do IVF to use J, then we’re going to walk away. If we were able to do IVF, then I would be the one going through that, not J. If he wants us to do injectables with IUI, then we’ll consider it, but we’re not happy about it. She’s a super needle-phobe so I know doing the injectables would be really hard for her. Not to mention the extra cost…
I feel like we are judged when we are like we are too poor to pay our mortgage, but we’re going to the doctor for a baby. Truth be told, we really thought that the mortgage assistance program would come through for us and we’d have that extra $900 in our savings to be used toward baby-making. Her mom offered us some money towards baby-making, too. But now that we have to consider additional costs, I’m worried. I just feel like for every step forward that we take, we take ten back. I feel like every plan we make gets destroyed almost immediately after a decision is made. Nothing is easy right now, in fact, its downright impossible. No job, no money, major stress and depression over our situation, and now possibly no baby…we are losing our everloving minds over here. We really, really needed a win and it feels like we’ve just gotten punched in the face…again.
Maybe it’s the universe’s way of telling us to wait for baby #2. But I don’t want to! I wanted this baby 8 months ago. If I’d gotten pregnant in December, I would have been due in two months. I am haunted by that, the fact that this process has taken so long to get nowhere and taken such an emotional toll on us, leaving us sad and angry. I know there is no point in rehashing the past, but I’m upset about it. I feel like I let us down because I couldn’t get pregnant. I just feel like the universe has conspired against us to say, “Nope, no baby for you, and while we’re at it, we’ll screw you over in every way we can.”
Needless to say, we’re upset. Angry. Confused. And wondering WTF we’re going to do next…after all, we only have the one vial left…
Written July 30, 2015