Happy Thoughts

Today I’m spending the day lying in bed due to the herniated disc in my back deciding to flare up and give me grief. Thanks for that! I am bored beyond belief and the muscle relaxers are making me foggy in the brain but not really helping my back. I’ve been watching HGTV since 7 this morning and while I thoroughly enjoy watching all the home renovations, it just makes me really want a house of our own. That’s okay, because THAT journey is at least another year out and for now, just worrying and wondering about baby stuff has us plenty busy.

Memorial Day weekend was nice; we drove up to Ocala to visit J’s cousin and her family and while it was just a short little day trip it is always refreshing to see her. She made J pee on a stick this weekend but of course it is too early to know either yes or no and it came out as a negative. Of course, this also means that the HCG trigger shot is out of J’s system. The Clomid and HCG shot really affected J this time and threw her body for a loop. She was cranky, overly tired, nauseated, really bloated, having hot flashes, and cramping…not to mention that although the HCG shot is out of her system now she’s still having all these problems and then some. We are trying so hard not to think about our maybe-baby(ies) but it is really difficult. I am eternally the optimist and J’s been doing really well being optimistic too…until the negative test this weekend.

Logically we both know that it was way too early for the result to be conclusive, but it always puts her in a bad way and negative mindset. One thing that was really nice about visiting J’s cousin is that she is really good about lifting you up. She has been reading a book lately about the power of positive thinking and visualization and bringing good things into your life, and she basically told J to stop being so negative and start thinking some positive thoughts so she can draw some positive energy toward us for a change. On our drive home J and I had a good long talk about the logical and emotional side of all of this pregnancy stuff. I’ve told her about some of the blogs I’ve read of others going through the same things as we are. It helps to know you’re not alone in this journey and it always helps to know that there are others feeling the same feelings you are.

I’m not trying to invalidate negative thoughts and getting down about how long this whole process takes. It is a really hard road to travel and it is way easy to get discouraged and think it will never happen. There is a time for that. But while there is definitely a time for being sad and anxious and worrying/wondering if/when pregnancy is going to happen, overall it doesn’t help anything to be continuously negative. Our doctor has given us no indications that there is a problem and of all our attempts (both at home and at the doctor’s office) this was the most perfectly synchronized and well-paced attempt to date. Everything just seemed to align and flow smoothly and we both feel confident that even if we aren’t pregnant this time, it will happen. Being negative only makes the two week wait that much longer and more obnoxious, so if we can put on our happy pants for a little longer I’m sure it will help it go by that much quicker.

Another thing that happened to give us peace is that we finally agreed on a middle name for our girl name. We had the idea and kept hmming and hawing over it until finally we decided on a name that made us all happy. That definitely helps us with our positive visualization. We also took a baby picture of our donor and of J and used a program online that “predicts” what your kids would look like. While just a silly little thing, it still made us smile and gave us a face to go with our names. I keep putting my face near her belly and yelling “Hello in there!” and “Burrow babies burrow!” And on our way home from Ocala, we saw the most beautiful rainbow. It was barely there for a minute or two and once we rounded a corner in the road it disappeared. J said it looked and felt like it was made just for us. Now before you go laughing and saying “haha, a rainbow for the lesbians!” I just have to say that God gave the rainbow as a promise. I know it was under different circumstances and I’ll accept that, but I agree with her that it just felt like God was trying to tell us something. I know that we will have a child (or children) soon and whether or not it is this month or the next or the next…we’ll keep holding onto that promise.

So until we know yes/no for certain, we’ll just keep carrying on as usual. I saw on a website the other day that they call this time “pregnant until proven otherwise”. I like the sound of that, and it sounds a little more positive than just “yeah we’re waiting to see if its a no”. So while we are “pregnant until proven otherwise”, we’ll keep thinking happy thoughts, visualize positively, and deal with the night sweats, hot flashes, nausea, cramps, bloating, headaches, hives, and 8:30 bedtimes (her, not me!) for just a little while longer (or the next 9 months)…

I’m okay with 9 months!

-B

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Maybe Baby(ies)

So here we are about a week-ish later and J is lying by my feet on the bed with Bubba (our handsome grey and white Manx cat) snoring beside her. We went out to dinner and now she’s so tired she can’t keep her eyes open. These fertility medications definitely put her through the ringer this time.

As you know we went to the doctor last week and found out the cyst was gone and everything looked great. Fast forward through 5 days of Clomid-induced loss of appetite, insomnia, and irritability and she went to her second appointment/ultrasound on Thursday the 17th. That brought the good news that she took REALLY well to the medication this cycle and had two beautiful golf-ball-sized follicles ready to go, one on each ovary. This is great news, considering our fertility doctor won’t inseminate with more than 4 follicles and we really just don’t want to go the lesbians-making-babies TLC/Lifetime movie route. Thanks, but I’m not cut out for show business! 😉

So the doctor slated us for doing the HCG trigger shot (pregnancy hormone injection which induces ovulation within 36 hours after taking it) at home at 9 pm that night and then coming in on Saturday the 19th at 9 am for the insemination.

Saturday? What? Yep, our doctor has Saturday hours for cases like this… Cool!

Now, let me tell you a story. It may not be as funny to you all reading this as it is to me but J was FREAKING out that I had to give her a shot. Let alone, in her stomach, near her belly button. She has an unnatural aversion to belly buttons and plain and simple, they just gross her out enough for her to throw up. LOL I love my wife. So I have to give her a shot, which thankfully I’m experienced with since I have a sister that has required Insulin injections since she was 6 years old. J meanwhile, is a little disturbed. As she laid down on the bed so I could wipe the injection site with the alcohol wipe she is basically laugh-crying with nervousness. I used a trick my sister learned of numbing the area with ice beforehand, and that put her a little more at ease. I also warmed the injection a little by rolling the syringe around in my hands for a minute. Ready, set, go…I’m counting down “3…2…1…” and she tenses up beside me! Of course I flipped out as the needle is an inch from her skin and jerk away. I thought she was going to kick me as I went to stick her! I didn’t want to hurt her! So we tried again, pillow pulled up over her face as she’s continuing to laugh-cry and “3…2…1…” and its in. She said I was a little slow sticking her and pushing the plunger in, but hey! What can I say, I was worried and it could have been a LOT worse. Regardless, injection at home was a success but she is really hoping we don’t have to do this again…like ever…but I’m sure that’s for more reasons than just the shot. 🙂

So fast-forward again to today and we had our insemination at 9 am. The office actually had a few other people in there for various reasons but we were called back right away and set up in the room. The doctor came in shortly after and informed us that our sperm sample was excellent, 30 million and 98% motility, which are EXCELLENT numbers! J was really nervous again since it was so painful last time, but I was able to stand up by her head and hold her hand the whole time (good practice for labor and delivery!). The doctor had to switch out the equipment for her comfort and his ease (apparently she has a “kinky” cervix that would not allow the catheter to go in), it was over sooner and much less painful than last time. YAY!

We went out to breakfast afterwards at Mimi’s and just lazed about the house today since she is cramping and feeling generally icky from the invasion as well as the hormone shot. The medications really affected her this time, but the doctor said that means she just took really well to them. We keep saying that maybe we will have twins, after all, there were two follicles ready to go, and she has had cramping in both ovaries today. While we keep laughing that maybe there will be twins in our future (which we would LOVE!), we are trying not to overthink anything and honestly we feel a lot more relaxed about everything in our lives right now, including the pregnancy journey. I think we finally both realized that we’ve got to stop stressing out about the things we have no control over. Can we control whether or not we get pregnant this time/next time/any time? No, so do what we can to take care of ourselves and be patient. In the meantime, we’re focusing on working toward some goals we’ve set for ourselves and just enjoying being together.

I am so happy and blessed with our wonderful life, and I hope that we can add a baby (or babies!) to our little family sooner rather than later. So here we are, waiting again, and we’re OK with that. At least we are making progress instead of having to sit out for another cycle. We are going to get massages next weekend and then J goes in a couple of weeks for the blood pregnancy test, and until then we are just going to sit back, relax, and (try to) be patient. Wish us luck with that last one!

See you in a couple of weeks…

B

We Are A GO!

Just a quick little update to let you all know that WE ARE A GO for this cycle! J went to the doctor this morning and the cyst is gone and she’s got plenty of follicles ready.

We are so relieved, excited, and thankful that we get to start trying again! Thank you all for your continued support and all the good vibes you’ve been sending our way!

-B

Fingers Crossed

Well so far this week at work sucks. For both of us! We are so busy we can’t think straight and at my work, we’re beginning a new type of file, no one really knows what to do with them, and boy is it a pain in the butt. I’m burned out and its only Tuesday! I have renamed today…Poo-day. Because that’s all its giving me! LOL

But in other news, tomorrow J goes back to the doctor for her ultrasound to see if the cyst on her right ovary is gone. We are both hoping YES of course! C’mon fertility statues, work your magic! 🙂

We are just tired of waiting and excited at the possible opportunity to start trying again. This forced wait has cleared our heads for sure, but its just made us want a baby that much more. After all, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a BABY! Yeah!

We could both use some happy news this week after all the hell its been putting us both through at work…so keep those fingers crossed!!

And So We Wait Again!

Let’s kick off this blog with some happy news: our wedding date is quickly approaching! Next week can’t come soon enough for the both of us. Next Tuesday J’s work is throwing her a bridal shower which I thought was super cute and nice of them. We decided to write our vows together and we finished them last week. And despite our first set of wedding bands looking horribly manly, yesterday we received our replacements which are much more appealing. We have been searching for dresses/skirts/outfits for a couple months now too, preferably something that didn’t make us look like an Easter egg or 100 months pregnant, and FINALLY found something we loved on Old Navy.com Monday night that fits what we want perfectly. It should arrive tomorrow afternoon. Nothing like cutting it close, huh! I emailed our wedding officiate for some last-minute details and our flight and hotel confirmations are printed and ready to go. Next hurdle: packing…enough said. 🙂

As for the baby stuff, let’s just say that I have always thought God has a sense of humor. J and I have always joked that we won’t get pregnant until we are married. So our IUI this month was supposed to be around 3-4 days before our trip to DC. We figured, “Hey! That’s close enough to count for being married first, right? I mean, you may not actually conceive until after we are married.” The funny thing is that God is apparently a little more strict than we are! J went back to the doctor yesterday for her follow-up ultrasound. All of the cysts on her left ovary were gone and new follicles were beginning to form, which is great! Unfortunately there was one cyst left on the right ovary, which can complicate things. So now we wait. Again.

And if the cyst isn’t gone by next month, then J may have to go on birth control for a month to see if the hormones will shrink/get rid of it. Oy vey. Let’s just hope it doesn’t come to that. I can’t imagine us sitting out for another month!

We are discouraged, sure. Upset, definitely. Sad, absolutely. But we know that it is all in the timing and that there must be a bigger plan out there for why we are spending another month on a trying-to-conceive hiatus. In the big scheme of things, its okay that we have to wait. After all, we will be travelling to DC and the added stress of are-we-aren’t-we on top of that could have been too much for us to take. LOL

So we are just going to have our trip, enjoy ourselves, and we’ll do all we can to keep healthy and get this cyst to go away. We’ve started back on the lower carb diet after falling off the wagon for a couple weeks. Its going to be hell for a few days, but its worth it not to feel like crap and make sure J’s hormones are all straightened out and in prime baby-making mode. Its especially hard to think that maybe the cyst would have been gone if we’d stayed true to our diet…but its in the past and we can’t beat ourselves up over it now.

All we can do is look ahead to all of the good things coming our way…our wedding next week is the big highlight we can’t wait for! 🙂 We are so ready for a vacation. Also, school is wrapping up (FINALLY!) and will be done in the next couple weeks. We’re starting our cake decorating classes next month, too. And keeping optimism high, there could soon be a little soul on its way to us. Maybe we had to be 100% married before it could happen. Who knows! It is so difficult to be patient, but what else can we do? All I know is that we’re just going to continue on our path and do the best we can do to make sure we are open and ready for our little one to come into our lives.

Wish us a good, safe trip, and happy wedding/honeymoon. I’m sure we’ll have an update and/or some pictures for you after the trip. 🙂

-B

Countdowns

Its funny how, when trying to conceive, you begin to measure your life in two week increments. Two weeks until this doctor’s appointment, two weeks until this medication, two weeks until you get a negative or a positive. Although we’ve taken this month off from attempted baby-making, we’re still measuring time this way. For example, its been two weeks since our last blog posting and last night as we were sitting down to our homemade spaghetti dinner, J turns to me and says, “I miss the blog.” I said “How can you miss it? It is us! And there’s nothing going on anyway.” She said that she knew that, but she still missed it and reading what I had to say about our lives. So we laughed and although nothing exciting is going on in our neck of the woods, the truth is I miss it too, and all that goes with it. However hectic and stressful it can be, I do miss the countdowns to doctor’s visits and ovulation and even the 2WW (just a little bit on that one). It seems to give us something to look forward to, to plan for, and as you all know we are huge planners! We have taken this forced break in stride and it has really helped us re-focus and get back into a positive mindset.

And despite having no solid baby-making related countdowns at this point in time, we do have a lot going on this month that we are looking forward to. We have about a week until we go back to the fertility doctor for him to check on J’s cysts and hopefully they will be gone so we can proceed with the next IUI toward the end of the month. We have our niece’s 2nd birthday party to go to and we are excited to see J’s sister which we have been wanting to do for some time now! Not to mention I get to see my BFF (J’s cousin) which always puts me in a good mood. My aunt’s birthday is later this month and we are supposed to be going out to dinner to celebrate that as well. We don’t get to see her as often as we’d like so that should be a nice treat! School is wrapping up this month and we’ve both got projects and finals to finish up and we are looking forward to the Summer break VERY much. We’re also going to be starting our cake decorating classes after school is finished which we are really excited about (thanks Mom!).

Oh, and one more thing to look forward to of course…this month I finally get to marry the love of my life. 🙂

I’m super excited about this new chapter of our lives together. Even after 4 years it seems like just yesterday was when it all began. Everyone says that marriage changes a relationship, and I can only hope that we continue to grow closer and more in love as time goes on. We have everything finalized with our officiant and our trip is all planned out to Washington DC. I hope we haven’t missed the blooming of the cherry blossoms as I have heard they are really beautiful to see. A few people have told us that maybe God is waiting to give us a baby until after we are married and honestly, I’m okay with that logic. Believe it or not, we are such by-the-book people that I’m okay if God is being old-fashioned here. I like the idea of being traditional inasmuch as we can be, being two women. So many people think that being a lesbian means you throw out all the rulebooks and generic traditions, but not us. So if God wants to wait until after “I Do” to bless us with our little one, I’ll let Him have His way. 😉

So despite not being in the middle of a two-week wait right now, it feels good to just pop in and say hello and to let you know what’s going on with us lately. Hopefully we get some good news at the next doctor’s appointment and we can begin the next cycle of go-wait-go all over again soon. 🙂

Until next time…

-B

Patience.

Today was a hard day.  As you know, J had her appointment for the ultrasound this morning. We were optimistic going into it, high on hope from this past weekend’s fun, but it would be short-lived. J called me at 10 to let me know that she had 1 small & 2 large cysts, most likely from the Clomid last cycle. The bottom line being that we have to sit this cycle out and hope the cysts go away by next month.

We were devastated to say the least. J was crying on the phone with me, completely heartbroken, and I felt so defeated and powerless to do anything to help her. It was a really sad reality. Granted I’m sure there could have been much worse news to hear, but its still hard to swallow, especially when we were so excited and positive about this cycle.

I think maybe God is trying to teach us a lesson, one we definitely have a lot of trouble with already…patience. We both know there has to be a reason why this happened, and I’m trying to see the brighter side…

After all, we can still have our Capricorn if we conceive next cycle instead. 😉

Looks to be a quiet month here on the blog, but don’t forget about us. At least we have our wedding next month in D.C. to look forward to, a much needed vacation! LOL

-B

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